If I say out loud/type it in black and white, does it jinx me? If I knock wood (in this case, the particleboard compressed wood product that makes up my IKEA nightstand will have to suffice), can I outrun Murphy’s Law?
Okay, here goes. I’ll whisper-type it:
Things are better.
While I nervously glance over my shoulder, let me explain that I think this happened for a few reasons. The first of which was my Lexapro finally kicking in. Me on meds and me not on meds is like Jekyll and Hyde. My anxiety and panic disorders are an illness and they need to be treated. I know that now. Life is better when I am getting what I need to manage my illness. It’s that simple.
I’m also eating real food on a regular basis again. Living on Ensure shakes and chicken broth was beyond depressing for someone who loves food and cooking as much as I do. With an increase in my GERD medication (two different meds, four times a day) and a very strict diet (no fat, no FODMAPs, no nightshades, no gluten, no dairy, nothing spicy, no chocolate, no citrus; and meals must be small and strictly timed to coincide with my medication, which must be taken an hour before i eat), I am chewing and digesting actual, tangible food. It’s been challenging and I’ve had to learn a few tricks to make it work (like “NOmato sauce,” though I made additional modifications to recipes like the one linked above, such as using green onions in place of white since they’re safer on the FODMAP scale), but any food is better than no food. So once again, I credit pharmaceuticals with creating a huge improvement in my quality of living.
And what else happened that’s making the pregnancy not cripplingly and unbearably awful?
The world changed. Literally. A bit more of a turn of the dial and our Blue Planet finally found Spring on this side.
After a brutal and seemingly neverending winter, the sun came out. The snow melted and gave way to greenery dotted with buds and blossoms. Life happened. To everything, turn, turn, turn.
Getting my children outside to play in the sunshine — and standing in it myself — has done loads of good for my spirit. Things are growing and blooming and coming to life. And the little one inside of me is no exception.
She kicks and wiggles and hiccups all day long. She likes the sunshine, too, as most of her active hours are during the daytime and she settles down when Mama sleeps. Let’s hope she keeps that schedule when she’s Earthside.
Sure, not everything is roses and unicorn farts, but I’m making every effort to focus on the positive and not wallow in self pity. I count down each day and celebrate its passing before I close my eyes. Every day that I survive this pregnancy is a victory. And according to the charts (and assuming they mesh well with Baby Girl’s plans), I’ve got just 108 more victories to go. That’s doable. And for me to say that 108 more days is doable is huge progress compared to where I was just weeks ago. Like the fresh flora and fauna to whom Spring has given life; I, too, have grown.